FAMILY
This is the part where I
get to say what I believe the role of the family unit is. i will also touch on
issues such as marriage (and its definition), divorce and whatever else i want
to cover. The definitions of what a family are may have changed over time from
the “golden age” nuclear family to the mixed family and single parent households
of today. In the “golden age” or Leave It to Beaver form, there was a
father, a stay at home mother, two kids and a dog living in the suburbs in a
house with a white picket fence. That would probably be seen as quaint by
today’s warped standards.
So what do I see the role
of family? i am going to go primarily with the family angle. The goal is to
create a loving environment where the parents can impart a moral and ethical
code for children. The parents can have a good home even without marriage.
There does not necessarily have to be a genetic connection to be a family. The
parents should teach kids have to behave ethically in situation and try to
promote the development of the child. Basically, teach the child what in life
they view as important.
There is also the first
exposure that the child will have to economics. How do they impart the
knowledge that the toys the kid has flashed in front of their eyes are wants and
not needs? I guess the concept of chores and allowances (hopefully tied to each
other, to explain a monetary connection between effort/labor and reward/money)
is an important step.
Family should aim to create
a stable and safe environment for the kid to grow up (and live vicariously
through them if you are so inclined). However, the family should recognize that
as the child grows up there will be clashes with parents. The parents should
not belittle the kid’s views if they disagree with them, but ask them to explain
why (to improve critical thinking ability). So, a parent is a: teacher, and
employer, a caretaker, a source of transportation, a religious leader, a role
model (it is really important to remember that) and many other things to the
child.
Marriage – Definitions and stuff
So what constitutes marriage and what legal role
should it play and who should be allowed to marry? From the government
standpoint, marriage deals mainly with reproduction (whether or not the
definition should be more broad is open to debate). This should be decided at
the state level by the people with no federal (or court) level intervention.
Many of the social debates relating to marriage and its definitions are based
off of marriage as a legal partnership (as opposed to the legislated
reproductive angle).
Marriage as a partnership is strange concept. On one hand
it makes sense, as the formation of the foundation of the family deals with the
connection between two people (more if you want to define it that way) both
personally and economically. Personally, I do not believe that the government
should be dealing with what a marriage is, as it is largely a societal construct
(steeped in religious traditionalism). I do not believe that a marriage is
something that should be recognized officially as a legal construct. Marriage
is definitely not a right. Different cultures have different views on what is
appropriate in the marriage construct, with cultural and other valid reasons why
a marriage should be defined as such in that context.
Pregnancy, Fertility and Child Raising
Ethics
So, what does this subheading
mean? Basically another chance to put more views out there.
1) A person (family) should not
have more kids than they can afford. Kids are extremely expensive (last I
heard, I think it was almost $200K to 18, but that age will go up as the world
becomes a harder place with less opportunity). What I am getting at here is
that going forward; parents should expect their children to stay with them
longer. My parents were guilty of this one, of course they came from a religion
telling them to be fruitful and multiply and that somehow the additional kid(s)
would be taken care of.
2) Having kids after 40 is not
really a good idea (not sure about mid 30s either). The optimal time seems to
be in mid to late 20s. If you have kids, hopefully you will be able to take care
of them (or at least provide some sort of parental safety net) when they are up
to 20 years old (maybe older, the world is a cruel and expensive place)
3) Some people were never meant
to have children and I am not a fan of medical intervention. Science can
improve life, but I am not sure sometimes how it goes about it. No, I do not
believe that fertility drugs and more extreme techniques like in-vitro
fertilization and surrogates are ethical (not to mention issues like multiple
births and complications). It seems to be an example of science vs nature. If
a lesbian woman wants to have a child biologically, she should have to use the
natural method of impregnation.
4) Child raising ethics? That
is a hard one for somebody who has never had kids (and the chance of that
happening seems more distant as the days fade away). That depends on the role
you want to take as a parent. For the most part: it would be exposing kids to
information that will help shape their views and thinking skills, treating the
child with respect, providing the basics of life and basically everything I said
in the second paragraph of the family section.
5) Controlling kids: now I
hear this is the hard one. Definitions of “appropriate discipline” change every
day. Earlier in US history, you could whip them, hit them, beat them, etc and
it largely worked. Now that kind of thing is seen as more barbaric (what
discipline isn’t). There has to be a way to enforce the intertwined concepts of
responsibility and consequences. Unfortunately, the ways you can enforce these
concepts have been very limited. Some people believe you should never say “no”
and other negative terms to a child. Good luck with that, most of my life has
being told no in some form or another. It is touch out in real world land, I am
not sure how to fully deal with that. However, it is your responsibility as a
parent to impart your kids with some coping mechanisms and skills (so life won’t
eat them alive as easily).
Responsibility, Ethics and
Divorce
So here is where I get to say
what I believe the responsibilities and ethics are as they relate to family
issues. Here I define family as at least three (typically parental figures and
kid(s))
1) 1) Responsibility of the family: to
provide a safe and stable environment (hopefully loving too) where any children
can grow and learn while having all the essentials of life (not the luxuries).
Hopefully this will enable future independence and success for the child(ren).
At least that is the goal. The parents have a responsibility to teach kids and
help them develop their moral fiber (this is not something that should be left
to the state), though parents have to be flexible to accept their children
despite what potentially stupid decisions their kids make.
2) 2) Marriage is not something to be
entered into lightly. It should be seen as a lifelong commitment (if not
longer) to another person. It is at once a financial and emotional/life
merger. The commitment can be made however with the marriage ceremony. If the
person enters into the agreement, it is their responsibility to live up to their
agreement to the best of their ability. One of the problems seems to be that a
marriage license seems to be too easy and inexpensive to obtain. It is one of
the most important decisions of your life and should be taken more
seriously.
3) Divorce:
I am not a fan. In my mind, there are few legitimate reasons to dissolve a
marriage: death, physical abuse and infidelity. Part of the problem is that
people take marriage too lightly. The societal shift away from traditional
values (especially on the female side) has produced a lot of damage. Something
like 50% of all marriages now end in divorce. This is way too high and seems to
reflect that people cannot fully commit (reconcile their commitment with their
sense of individual freedom). In other words, people cannot change their
mindset from “me” to “we”. If you are not in it for the long haul – don’t get
married (and always remember that you made a commitment and have a duty to live
up to it).
Original Post Date: 03/17/11
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