The song today is "Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban. Also, up for considering was "I'll Be Over You" by Toto.
Listening to the song would show my current headspace (thought i do not drink). Some songs hit harder in certain situations.
Sometimes the feeling that the final curtain is falling can dislodge emotions thought long buried.
i don't know if it really is (been feeling that way most of the last decade), but i know i'm far closer to the end than the beginning. My alleged father died of cancer 2-3 chronological years older than i am now. He at least had a semblance of a life. i got rejected/destroyed one time and wasn't strong enough to ever recover.
My previous post was the type capable on sending me on a small depression spiral. Sometimes remembering things is the worst. Worse yet, is sometimes i can remember/relive a portion of the emotions surrounding events. This happens from time to time, though it hasn't hit me in a while. i thought i was comfortably numb by now.
Usually in that situation, i buy a lottery ticket (delusional hope) and try to distract myself for a few days until the feeling passes. Left alone with my thoughts/memories is that last place i want to be. In previous years i'd go on a "lyric" writing rampage, but that would probably make things worse - pulling in more fragments of memories. So, i try to focus on something else and drown it out.
i dodged the first two days and thought i was out of the woods. Did i finally fully get over her after 25 years? i thought i did this morning, of course i thought i did decades ago too. But memories have a way of boomeranging. Unrequited love and total commitment are hard to ever really get over. Too bad i never learned how to uncommit. The feeling of romantic loneliness and emptiness can be hard to completely end.
Why should i be the only one to suffer.... Lyrical Abominations Of My Design
No comments:
Post a Comment