In my tumultuous first year of college, i met a smart (honor student), thin, red-haired, blue-eyed girl who wanted to be an accountant. She was what could be called a "ginger" - covered with freckles. Freckles and moles kind of scare me, since my alleged father died of melanoma. Blue-eyed red heads might as well be unicorns (almost mythical). i'm a sucker for blue eyes and vision impairment.
She was also a kind of a bible thumper. Kind of is an understatement. In many ways, college appeared to be a culture shock for her. Despite that she did drop the f-bomb while talking to me a few times.
After a while we started talking and she would sit on the same couch as me (though we never actually touched). i wasn't initially physically attracted to her, but over time a sort of emotional attachment grew (at least on my side). Emotional attraction made her look better by comparison. My neighbor across the hall knew i liked her before i did (he was dating her roommate). i looked forward to talking to her - though i'm not sure we ever talked substantially. i wanted her to want me. She didn't. i wished she could have been the one. Nothing is ever that easy.
The TV room is an enduring theme in my college dorm experience. It started when i disliked my roommate (my first roommate actually offered someone money to beat me up) so i would hang out there. That is where i met and interacted with people partially because i've always been socially inept. It is a scenario where people come to me.
i knew as soon as i got to know her i knew that she was marriage material. Unfortunately for me, she said she would never marry me because i didn't believe in god. If only i could have seen the heaven in her eyes (sorry Loverboy). She lent me Cool Rock and Bon Jovi crossroads.
She told me that i would go on my first date with her. That is kind of how her mother and father met (her mother was a missionary who was killed in Sudan and her father later remarried). i told her i would go on a date with her if it was a one and one. One date i paid for, one she did. After putting it off for a while we went on a date to Dairy Queen for Blizzards. i got Butterfinger, she wanted Heath, but they didn't have it. Over the years, Heath has kind of grown on me. Don Juan i am not.
Now, we jump forward to a second date. It did not go well by any measure. We decided that we would go to Subway. Problem was Subway was 2+ miles away and it was over 80° outside. i am not good in the heat (short-tempered and miserable). So, i thought it would be a good idea to pre-hydrate. Unfortunately, i drank too much water. When we finally arrived at Subway i had to make a B-line for the bathroom. To her it looked like i disappeared. On the way back she said something that got under my skin and i guess i kind of disagreed vocally with it. Probably religion related (or how i would never end up with her).
The school year ended, and she was going to check out of her dorm room. i could have told her the Resident Assistant Walter was in an office, but she didn't ask. i really didn't want her to go. She's the first girl i ever cried over (once or twice after the school year ended)
A year later, she visited the school, and her roommate led her to my dorm room. She said that she could tell i missed her by my facial expression (which at times betrays me). It was nice seeing her out of the blue. i never saw her again.
Now for some more confessions nobody will ever read or care about
* The first time i ever told a woman i loved her was a mistake. i didn't mean to. i was singing along to "Truly Madly Deeply" by Savage Garden. In that song there is kind of a quiet saying of that phrase. i correctly stated that. She saw it as a declaration. i just went with it, because on some level i did
* My first kiss was senior year of college, so too was my 100th. Since then, far less.
* i'm one of those annoying people who would say "i love you" dozens of times a day - i know overkill, but i meant it (or at least thought i did). Also, would over apologize. Sad that i needed frequent affirmations due to my inability to fully trust anyone.
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