Another musing post so soon? Does that mean the end times are upon us? Not necessarily, but i cannot totally discount that possibility. Maybe my end is the one rapidly approaching. One reason is that i post here, so that it won't show some other related Blogger thing i might have. Seriously, you don't want to see that mess (yet i link it at the end of this post, go figure).
* i've been really into this Lost 80s channel on iHeart Radio. "Alexa play Lost 80s on iHeart Radio". It plays hits that may not show up on today's radio.
Many radio stations have playlists under 40 songs. This one seems a little more robust. Most of the songs were hits in their time. Even retro stations (the best of the 80s and 90s) feel like they are just picking a playlist off of one or two compilation disks.
They play some songs i haven't heard for a while (like Bad Boy by Miami Sound Machine). Sure, i probably have more songs on CD than they do, but it feels a little different to hear it on the radio (maybe a Gen X thing).
i suspect the Lost 80s playlist is limited but seems to have more songs than most stations. Yes, i hear repeats, but they are not as common as most radio. Did i mention it is commercial (not interruption) free?
i'm lame and listen to retro radio - modern music is soulless crap that kind of sucks. i learned about this station from an 80s radio show (Saturdays nights, a 4 hour or so block) with Jeff Stevens. If it were on later, i would probably listen to American Top 40: the 80s with Shaggy, i mean Casey Kasem. There are a ton of good songs that never get modern radio airplay (rendering them effectively lost).
What does it say that i mostly use my Echo dot for radio type uses. As Robbie Nevil might say "C'est La Vie"
* i've always been interested in music. Too bad i had no talent for playing it (stupid fingers), so the core of guitar and piano/keyboards were out. One of the things i would do differently if i had the chance was to take Choir rather than band (which i though was expected of me).
As a teenager, i would sing along to records (yes, Vinyl, cassette tapes and CDs) for hours a day in my room. As a teenager, most of my "sessions" were Wham!/George Michael (the voice i aspired to have), Chicago 17, and Richard Marx (the worst vocals, but maybe best songwriting, of the group). Wham! Make It Big (my stress releaser album) was probably the most played. i think i got the record (and the stereo) after one of my older sisters moved out of the house. Yes, i used to sing in the shower.
However, the slight problem was that i was emulating and trying to harmonize with vocals of someone else, i was never really sure where my range lie (a lot of falsetto). So, softer and faker vocals that sounded more like the artist but had no power behind them.
Yes, that even lasted into my first year of college. Though by then, it was stuff like Boyz II Men (II), Shai, and Color Me Badd (my R&B phase, where i was interested in harmonies). Though i would still throw 80s stuff in. Was i any good? i was told, probably above average in range and ability.
After college, unfortunately, apartments don't provide the freedom (never felt comfortable in one, never thought i could have TV volume over 1 or 2). i couldn't go to my stress relief and sing along for hours a day anymore. Years pass by in some kind of limbo state, before you know it decades have passed and you have nothing to show for it. Like you were frozen in place with only memories of the past haunting you. You look to the past when there is no discernable path forward for the future.
* After freshman year, i started occasionally trying to write strange new feelings down in the form of song lyric style. There was this girl who i wish would have been the one (she had no interest in me other than someone to hang out/talk with). i really didn't think i felt anything for her at the beginning, but after months of hanging out (and my first two dates), it got harder to reconcile a life without her in it. But that was always fated to happen - she was a bit like a fish out of water (a bit of a bible thumper). i have never been good at saying goodbyes to anyone who meant anything to me. i wrote, badly, some events and feelings that i vaguely remembered (ok overstated feelings). i only saw her one more time after freshman year.
Towards the tail end of junior year of college, i started hanging out with a girl in the TV room of the dorm. At first, i thought she was kind of an unattractive bitch. Eventually, we would joke around, play paper ball volleyball, pass notes, and started to flirt. Next came the double entendres (thick and heavy). If my roommate went home like usual near the tail end of the school year, i probably would have propositioned her.
At least with her, i knew there would be a next year (until the end when there wasn't).
Senior year, the dam really burst. All kinds of feelings emerge when i found out she was interested (at the time in me). There was a sense of anticipation, longing, emotional attraction, and fear. Relationships are never as easy as they are in the love songs i listened to. i was so excited when she agreed to date me and "go steady" with me a minute later.
Early on, it was awesome and mostly emotional, but over time that gets pushed a little to the side by physical attraction. It was a rollercoaster - it would be going so well, then she would reject me in some small way, and it would cause a spiral of doubt and fear of rejection. i would burst write 5-10 "songs". It was kind of obvious i was confused as hell at what was going on.
Then more physical stuff got involved. Man, i loved kissing her (even though she professed she didn't really like to kiss). The physical stuff pushes the emotional stuff into the background, especially when you want it to escalate and it plateaus.
i was the girl in the relationship, i thought maybe she would stay with me if we had sex. i knew that there was a strong chance of me losing her after graduation. i thought my only chance with her was engagement or pregnancy (but that wasn't on the table). It is not like i didn't still love her, though the strong feelings had begun to wane. i was grasping for some sense of permanence in a sea of upcoming change (17 years of school). And all she could say was nothing in response.
Maybe if we had another year, i could have sealed the deal (who am i kidding).
Years went on and songs, movies, etc would trigger latent emotions, and i would write about it (partly to get rid of them). Literally nothing happened in my life to displace the ghost/memory of the relationship.
You want to see what mess giving your heart away and keeping the promise to love her (to some extent) can cause.... You've been warned this is a (1,000+ post) rabbit hole you don't want to go down (or maybe you do, in a trainwreck type of thing).
Lyrical Abominations Of My Design
Update: i actually tried writing a few things off of my unwritten list - it didn't go well, i find i tend to slip into autobiographical mode too much. i don't have the format down either. i guess i'll try to find out structure again. Talking about X groupings of Y lines between/before "chorus" type stuff. (4+ line versus, but how many verses between sections)
Is the stuff there decent? Not really, some is less awful (some of it is far more meaningful to me). i'm trying to force myself to tackle some of the "Unwritten" stuff from previous years (a loose concept, a title, or a few lines that might be workable). However, it rarely makes a cohesive whole.
I had kind of a short-lived depression spiral when i realized that i've never been good at anything in life (and even when i thought i might have been above average, people were just humoring me).
A Powerball ticket self-delusion might be needed. Though, at this point even if i won, what could it really get me? A little more comfort before the merciful embrace of oblivion. There's so much i can no longer do, even if i wanted to. At this point, it feels like i'm just running out the clock.
Now, if i were a 22-year-old college student, living in the past, that would be a different story (oh the possibilities).
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