This date X years ago, i guess it is now X+1 years ago, i left college. This was the start of a series of events that i could have done without. Have i ever mentioned how much i hate summer?
A few days earlier, i was hanging out with my college girlfriend. i wanted to keep her in my life so bad, but that was never going to be. On some level i think i knew it. i spent most of that day crying. i suck at goodbyes. Girlfriends are not generally impressed by guys crying for hours at a time over them (especially when they are in the same room).
Could get into some details of the relationship - but that would get a little light R. Suffice to say, it could have gone better - but i believed she was constantly testing me (she probably wasn't and i screwed myself out of some potentially interesting scenarios because i thought i had to show i wanted her for more than her body). The irony being that the only way i could have got her was using her for her body. Though with all of the stress of looming graduation and constant rejection by potential employers, i doubt i could have done anything even if she wanted to. i went all in on her, probably why i have never had anything else to give since.
There are so many things i wish i could have done differently. i wish i could have directly asked for what i wanted. Whether it was trying out her fetish (though i thought it was a little gross), directly asking for sex (other than the one time i did - couldn't find protection), or telling her she had the cowgirl insertion greenlight anytime she wanted it. i wish she would have been easier to read. "You probably want to..." i saw that as a test that i shouldn't. i wish i understood and followed her suggestions more. Though it was kind of annoying how she would occasionally tell me stuff like she thought about tricking me into getting her pregnant (she didn't even have to ask, she just had to take me) or fantasies about making love to me - i was right there, go for it.
Her kiss truly was on my list of the best things in life (sorry Oates and Hall).
After that her friend from Great Britain visited her (along with a few other friends, they were going on a trip after graduation). On that day i was near the stairs leading up to her room softly singing "Hands to Heaven" by Breathe. i was on the fence whether or not i should stay to see her graduation - she told me i didn't need to. As i have never gone to my own graduation (high school or college) i decided to leave it at that.
Fast forward to late June or early July. i worked up the courage to actually call her. She had no idea how hard it was for me to do (i hate phones). It took me 4 or 5 days to work up the courage to call her. So why did i? To tell i was still there and cared about her. We talked for about 1.5 hours while she was watching ALF on the Love Boat. i told her that i loved her - she did not seem to reciprocate. Yes, the writing was on the wall. After that i sent her an email i really shouldn't have that embarrassed her. Turns out i had a low-key addiction to her. My body would physically shake when i checking my email to see if she sent me anything.
Then that awful day came - July 15th. The day where i would get an email with the subject "BU" the message was you know what this means, i'm sure you have questions. i kind of lost it there. Initially, i appeared to be sane, but eventually the veneer faded. My hopes and dreams all vanished that day. i kind of lost my will to live. Getting dumped over email can do wonders to your self-esteem, yes it can go lower. Wondering if i was worth anything, if anyone would ever love me (the answer is no), or if i was even worthy of being loved.
If i would have had a loaded gun in the next few months, i strongly doubt i would be here today. A Futurama type scenario - guaranteed i wouldn't. Not sure if that would have been a good or bad thing. Sometimes i find myself wishing i could have - though self-termination is something i'm incapable of, there is a lot of inertia to overcome. No alcohol and no drugs ups the difficulty level.
It wasn't just the rejection of my best friend who i was in love with (how deeply is open to debate) and wanted to spend the rest of my life with rejecting me, but wave after wave of rejection. Then my mother was selling the only house i had ever known. Kind of stress central.
i started a contract job one day after moving out of the only house i had ever known. It was mostly data entry and i sucked at it. Going from 15-20 hours a week for college to 40 hours at work is not an easy transition (worse if i could have done all the overtime they wanted me to do). i guess barely getting any sleep (leaky air mattress on my mom's apartment living room floor), wishing i wouldn't wake up, and having a hellish bus commute (4+ hours a day) probably didn't help at all. Then i never took a lunch because if i did i may not get back (minor routes are a bitch). But, that is a fall story.
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