A Futile Proposal

Going back through the disjointed slideshow that was my life playing in front of my eyes.  Today's story is one of the bigger chances i felt i had to take.  Like every other chance i took, it did not end the way i wanted it to.

It was Mid-April.  i had been "going steady" with my girlfriend since MLK day.  We started off as playful and flirtatious.  Playing paper ball volleyball, exchanging notes, and throwing double entendres back and forth.  She was probably the best friend i ever had, but, as a guy, i wanted more.  i knew the clock was ticking and senior year would be over soon.  Without a solid commitment, i knew i would lose her forever.

i had been thinking about "popping the question" for a while.  i told her i was going to do this before we ever started officially dating.  i delayed that plan when she got scared after giving out phony credit card information in a search for a former, i don't know what, named Brough. Not sure what the date actually was (probably about April 23).  This will sound a little pathetic.

Confessions and other useless stuff about me

So, i thought i would give some embarrassing confessions.  Some covering weird personality traits.  If anyone out there in the ether want to share some of theirs, i'm ok with it.

- i did not have sexual relations with that woman.  i really, really, really wanted to - but she was never willing to commit to it.  She was more focused on the pre-show than the main event.

Song of the Day - Heaven Help Me by Deon Estus

i've been listening to CDs again.  Sometimes you play a compilation CD (Another Lost Decade: The 80s Hard to Find Hits) and one sticks out.  Yes, this particular song was kind of hard to find.

This song was the 1989 single by Deon Estus (was in the backing band of Wham!) co-written by George Michael (also background vocals).  This song seems to be about some type of breakup.  i sympathize with this "Thought the first time/ Was the last time/ Would be (forever)". 

Things are almost never that easy.  Getting back on the proverbial horse is hard as hell.  i could understand why you could need heaven to help get over someone and find someone new.  i know heaven never helped me.

It is kind of weird to me that "retro radio" misses so many great songs.  Some of the songs they do play ad nauseum i wonder why.

In my earlier years, i used to sing along for hours to my albums (mainly George Michael, Wham!, Chicago 17, Richard Marx and the radio).  Singing along to Wham Rap 86 always felt a little strange.  It's probably why i always opted for a little falsetto (trying to harmonize/match the pitch of the artist).  Though when your voice gets a little deeper...  Don't really know what my voice is since i sort of imitated other singers for so long.

Let's Talk About Sex

Ok, this one might be on the more risqué side (at least for me).

Was watching the anime Yamada's First Time (B Gata H Kei).  This is more from a female perspective.  Then decided to read some of the manga online to see how the story ended (the manga is far dirtier than the show).  Basically, a girl thinks she want to get with 100 guys.  The journey starts with trying (badly) to seduce one "normal guy".  After 2 or so years and a series of misadventures, she actually closes the deal with the guy.  But sex was not exactly what she thought it was and the process changed her greatly.

What is it about sex that seems so mystical, yet strangely unfulfilling (i've heard)?  Is it the "forbidden" (or discouraged) nature.  Is it intimacy and surrender?  As i understand it, it is kind of an awkward act - one that includes pain/discomfort and a little bit of pleasure.  It is so built up as a world-shaking act, that it cannot help but ultimately be a little disappointing.  Expecting intense fireworks, only to get burned a little by a sparkler.  Expecting the dam to burst but only getting a trickle.

Time to End the Social Security Scam

For the US reader (if any) this will make more sense.

"Nobody wants to get rid of Social Security" - well i do.  Any government program that encourages dependency is a failure.  Worse, any dependency inducing program that has perverse disincentives (like SS does).

There are several reasons for this including

* Social Security (SS) is an invalid program, that the federal government should have nothing to do with

* Social Security acts like a pyramid scheme

* 75% of the stuff people think they know about SS is a lie - it is not "your money" and therefore, you are not entitled to anything

* For anyone Gen X or younger, it is completely a bad deal

Heretical Easter Post

Maybe not exactly heresy per se.  These are my views on religion - in light of the Easter holiday.  i was raised as Christian adjacent, so that is what i'll include.

So, what should we hit on: the nature of God, the resurrection, pre-destination, afterlife, and other ideas.  How about a real challenge mythological "God", instead of bringing someone back from the dead, how about bringing back someone who never really lived life instead.

Much of what was in the bible was never meant to be taken strictly literally (especially the New Testament).  There are parables, coded messages, allusions and metaphors that are lost on the modern reader.  Not to mention questionable translations, edits/exclusions, and the like.

Wall of text incoming.

Random Musings Today: Video Games, Music, etc

So, what have i been up to since my last random post:

- Playing a bunch of Coral Island on my Xbox. Heard it was leaving Game Pass, so i've been binging it. Lots of hours over the last week. Coral Island is one of those farming/life type things.  Fricking RNG - i could do with a little less randomness (chests, weather, etc).

- Seems like i can't hit a note anymore when i tried to sing along.  i used to be adequate.

- Listening to Gen X country recently: talking Mark Wills, Keith Urban, and Luke Bryan.  They all have pretty good voices. Wouldn't be surprised if Gen X and later were more influenced by pop music than previous generations.  Wonder if that is why some "modern country" sounds more like 90s pop.