Another undefined time period, another musing post.
- Saw an Instacart ad - summer like it's 1999. 1999 was one of the worst summers of my life. Don't want to relive a second of that misery.
Might have actually been worse than when my alleged father died of cancer 2 days before my 16th birthday (funeral was 2 days after). That one was expected (for a while). i felt a greater sense of loss in 1999 - more my dreams of the future (normalcy - marriage, kids, etc). And... die they did, never to be rekindled again. Both killed any future potential i might have ever had (other than illusions).
1999 was like the "King of Wishful Thinking" by Go West, "Missing You" by John Waite, and "Someday by Glass Tiger" - seem happy on the surface, but deep down come off as self-delusional false hope.
- Did i mention i hate summer? Well, i do. Wonder how much a C. Montgomery Burns style sun blocker would cost.
- Another July, so time for my annual tradition of assembling my LEGO sets (the ones i don't have up as decorations). Why is it that i seem to have so many missing pieces this year? Also turn out that my manual dexterity is not as good as it used to be - so many dropped pieces. Apparently, i am also worse at following directions this annum. There are certain colors i struggle to see in directions: mostly dark colors like black, dark blue, purple, and for some reason browns.
Last July, i didn't do it due to a remodel.
- Why is it when you take a bunch of items off a shelf it becomes virtually impossible to put them back on the way they were (wish i remember what that was)? Trying to unsuccessfully "Tetris" that mess. i'll probably get it eventually. But eventually isn't today.
- i wasn't going to do a July 15th post this year - but somehow or other ... it came just the same (and that Grinch did not carve the roast beast). Black hole day? The day all light/hope was permanently sucked out of my life. There were several times in 1999 (see how i tied the first section to the last) i would have pulled the literal trigger. There have been many times since i wished i would have.
i told her i loved her - i meant all in (i was Bananarama - guilty of "Love in the First Degree". Underrated song). She told me she had third degree love for me. What is that making out and fooling around stopping just short of sex? 1.5 hours is a painfully long time to hold a torch, if you know what i mean. Inches away from paradise, might as well have been miles.
Yes, i made a ton of mistakes. i'm sure i misread some signs. i'm a social duality - sometimes i can't read signs at all, other times i read them far too well. i was so confused and honestly believed (wrongly) she was always testing me to make sure i wanted more than physical intimacy - thus missing out on furthering the physical relationship. i know now, my only chance with her was more physical intimacy. i turned down taking a shower with her (probably a 55+% chance of sex afterward) because i thought she wanted me to show restraint.
Wish i could have gone with the flow, but that is something i've never been good at. Why can't chicks say what they really want, in no uncertain terms (ambiguity is the enemy)? i can't read minds.
If she would told me out of the blue she wanted to have my baby even 10 years after the breakup, i would have said yes with almost no hesitation. Marriage requests would have required some upsell.
i've always hoped i'd die in my 60s or 70s painlessly in my sleep, naked, after a night of making love to my wife.
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